Haunt

“I've been doing worse. Since she's been at the hospital I've missed Lucy a lot. It's not just that, my parents are really worried about her. I know she doesn't like that, wants to be indepentent and all that. She's ended up the failure of the family so quickly when she isn't. I've been trying to finally take that yoke from her. Dad doesn't have what it takes to be disappointed in either of us, but I need him to worry about me more. Lucy's happy facing her consequences and being a full, proper person. I'm not. I'm not ready to go out into the world, I'm not ready to be on my own. I just want the people I love to succeed. That's what I want to do. So I have to prove it to them, to mom and dad and Lucy and Oren now too. Prove that I'm not mature so they aren't so concerned with themselves. I'll stay a kid. They bring light to peoples lives by just existing, even if they aren't really worth anything. Not that I think that, I mean-”

He stops writing. Abruptly. Things aren't bad enough, yet. He'll push through this. Lucy will need someone around once she's out of the hospital. Oren doesn't have anyone else, other than him. His parents are counting on him to start working and strike out on his own. He'll try to hang on.

March 12th, 1984. The last day of Charlie Weissman’s life.

“I couldn’t stomach coming with Oren to the hospital. I couldn’t stand being in a room with her. Somewhere, miles away, my son is being born, and I'm at home sobbing. I wasn’t man enough to go with. I can't handle how Oren talks to me. What she asks me to do, what that implies about me. Go ask if so-and-so is hiring, see if your old paper route is open, apoligise and ask for your job back at the mill. She makes things seem easy, but she doesn't sound like she means it. She says it like she knows I can't handle it. Puts me down like I'm a kid. I've disappointed her too many times. I'm useless. I fall apart under responsibility. I don't bring anything to the table. I'm a parasite on her life. I'm a selfish, scared kid pretending to be a man. Every day I woke up dreading the future, having to handle more than I did the day before. I dread having to be a father. Oren gave up on me the moment we learned she was pregnant. She knew I couldn't handle it before I did. I couldn’t do anything without her help. Without her holding my hand the whole way through. I want to be coddled, to live like a kid. No self-respecting person on the planet would treat a grown man like that. I'm easy to push around. I'm not really anyone. I'm not a full person like other people are. My life is only good for appearances. That was why she chose me, she told me that. Every self-hating thing I think is something Lucy said when we argue. Lucy argues in Oren’s place because Oren was so afraid of breaking me. Even after everything Oren still kept the kid gloves on with me. Lucy doesn't care about that. She says what I need to hear. Lucy says I can't keep a job because I don't have a work ethic. Lucy says I don't help around the house because I can't be assed to help other people. Lucy says I haven't done anything to make life easier for my pregnant girlfriend. Lucy doesn't have to try to win when we argue. I don't have anything to refute her with. She's right. Those are all my fault, they're reasons I can't cut it. I'm always the weakest link. I'm useless on my own and I drag the people I love down to my level. Oren is miserable. I ruined her life by getting her pregnant, by meeting her even. I made her life hell by not being able to hold a job. My incompetence forced her to work through her pregnancy until she physically couldn’t any longer. Lucy had been on hard times for years. The brother that always met her where she was started falling behind. I couldn’t grow up and that pushed her away. She felt isolated and ended up finding company where she shouldn't. She didn't have anyone to guide her because I wasn't there. I tried to ignore that she was on drugs. I kept on trying until she ended up in the hospital. Every time she’d relapsed since then came after something went wrong in my life. Even with everything she was going through, she could handle life on her own. It's my life that got in her way. She's the one taking over dad's business. He saw me break down trying to keep everything straight. Dad never saw Lucy do that. I can't handle a responsibility like that even when dad was holding my hand through it. Lucy is so much more capable than me. She's even going to take care of my son just so Oren can leave. She accepted the greatest responsibility a person could just because she knew how much of a burden I was and knew she couldn't inflict that on anyone else. She knew Oren needed to get away from me. Oren agreed to give up our kid because she couldn’t stand to be around me anymore. Everything bad that's happened to Oren has been my fault. Every burden Lucy's ever taken on was because of me.

Your lives would be better without me.

I'm sorry.”

Spawn 4

Hell 3

Haunt